Someday

After reading this blog post about Somedays, and thinking about my earlier 'Things to Do Before I Die' or 'Things I have Left ' list... I decided to really focus on my list. I'm trying to remember all the things on my earlier list, but I'll just have to add them later.

Somedays...

1. Take a photography class
2. Understand wines
3. Visit Florida
4. Visit England
5. Visit Ireland & Scotland
   
6. Drive cross-country
7. Learn to knit
8. Take a painting class
9. Have a huge aquarium with saltwater fish
10. Skydive
11. Learn to swim
12. Write my memoir
13. Record a CD
14. Buy a new car
15. Buy a house
16. Take control of my finances

I know there are more... but these are ones I can remember. More to come.


UPDATE: I found this while poking around my website:
TITLE: Things to Do before I Die
DATE: 2004-04-19 22:01:00
BODY:
1. Become more pleased with my musculature

2. Paint a landscape

3. Take a photography class, and own a professional quality camera

4. Fly in a plane

5. Get certified to pilot a plane.

6. Learn to scuba dive. note to self: learn to swim first.

7. Learn to cook.

8. Own a large scale aquarium.

9. Learn effectual massage.

10. Find a doctor with whom I can grow old.

11. Obtain a healthier tan.

12. Visit the beaches of south Florida.

13. Visit West Hollywood.

14. Own a Volkswagen Beetle.

15. Become more educated about the government, its workings and politics in general.

16. Own a bottle of Dom Perignon.

Perfectly Pleased

I have been so pleased with my productivity the last few days. While I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone, and did buy a bottle of vodka... I only had a drink or two and spent the time reorganizing, reinstalling Windows XP on my laptop, updating software and more.

Then yesterday afternoon, without even meaning to be productive, I came home and changed clothes then went to Fred Meyer (really just to browse), and came home with two organizers and made a vanity out of them... then emptied 3 lingering junk boxes from moving, sorted through dozens of unopened bills, reworked my closet to hold my luggage as well as all my shoes... YAY ME

Things I Have Left to Do

I have been keeping a list of 'Things to Do Before I Die' for years. 15 years in fact. Off and on I come across the list, usually after a move or a shuffling of items from room to room. I decided that this year would be the year I'd both refresh the list and make a commitment to cross off a few of them.

As soon as I find the list, I'll post it here to be reviewed and updated.

Christmas

I spent this Christmas completely alone, and without seeing anyone, other than the few people I passed on the street on the way to the corner store... resulting in 30 hours of solitude.

To be fair, I received a good amount of text messages and phone calls today, and it was nice to know that I was thought of, both in spirit and in wanton.

I also recorded a video of myself singing 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' and uploaded it to YouTube for the world to see. It was a single take, no editing (save for finishing touches) clip and I emailed it out for everyone to see. Hopefully they'll feel compelled to comment and send a little happy karmic comment love my way :)

It snowed pretty hard today, but alas it did not stick. Dammit. I want snow and enough to make a tribute to Calvin and Hobbes!











Merry Christmas to me... and you.

Thanksgiving Wishes

Every Thanksgiving (or nearly every Thanksgiving) for more than 5 years rather than being generic, I sit down and write a poem of sorts, a stream-of-consciousness writing that expresses all the things for which I am thankful. Some serious, some light-hearted... all true. Some of you know it's been a tough year, but I'm thankful to be here alive (mostly), healthy (partly), and happy (generally).

Here it goes for 2007...

Thankful am I for friends helping me through the holidays,
and I am thankful for sweet tea and chips made by Lays.
For discovering the strength of Leggs pantyhose,
for finding out how distance affect friendships with those you know.

For relationships, while no longer rooted in love;
still strong enough to conquer distance and things that are tough.
For finding the strength to step out on my own,
for not being foolish enough to think I wouldn't feel alone.

For one-dollar Lipton pasta sides,
for tuna fish salad, and antioxides,
for rum and vodka, but not mixed together
For jersey shirts and pillows with goose feathers.

For friendships whose intent varies often,
for learning that caring for one, their blows do not soften.
For old dogs and kittens, for squirrels and the wind,
For being too sensitive, it's a curse and a gift.

For finding I can budget, if only for a few weeks,
To finding that it's okay if my heart has a few leaks.
To missing old friends, and yet somehow making some new,
And wishing goodbye to a few old ones, too.

For dumb movies and small larceny and dancing and games,
for karaoke and pizza and bad horror flicks that are lame,
for being pretty and singing, for laughing and smiling
for tears and happiness, and sometimes a little crying.

For family that cares, both biological and chosen,
I'm thankful that into my life all of you were woven.

Happiest Thanksgiving Wishes 2007

Not Too Late... is it?

Current mood: melancholy

"Not Too Late" - Norah Jones

Tell me how you've been,
Tell what you've seen,
Tell me that you'd like to see me too.

'cause my heart is full of no blood,
My cup is full of no love,
Couldn't take another sip even if I wanted.

But it's not too late,
Not too late for love.

My lungs are out of air,
Yours are holding smoke,
And it's been like that for so long.

I've seen people try to change,
And I know it isn't easy,
But nothin' worth the time ever is.

And it's not too late,
It's not too late for love,
For love,
For love,
For love.

Currently listening :
Not Too Late
By Norah Jones
Release date: 30 January, 2007

My secret.

Current mood: contemplative

I left everything behind. Job, friends, my husband, life and career. And I feel amazingly free. And hopelessly scared.

Currently listening :
Something to Be
By Rob Thomas
Release date: 19 April, 2005

The Wall

Current mood: thoughtful

Imagine a brick wall. And imagine in this brick wall is a hole, shaped like a perfect circle. Now imagine in your hands is a perfect square, the same diameter as the hole in the wall. Almost can fit but not quite, because it is a square and the hole is a circle.

Now imagine that as you look at this hole, and look at this square... that the square begins to glow with a soft, warm light. And on your side of the wall is soft darkness, illuminated by the warm glow of the light given off by the square in your hands. You walk up to this hole in the wall and peer through and see darkness. You can feel a cool breeze coming from the other side... yet as you press your face to that wall, peering to the other side, wondering what's there, you can almost feel the longing that exists... over there. Longing to be warm. A longing to be lit by... anything.

As you approach the hole, the square gets brighter... warmer... more illuminated. You know that if you could get this glowing square through that hole that it would become so bright, and so warm that it would both light the other side and completely provide all the warmth that the entire other side AND your side would need.

You begin to calculate the proper angle in which the square might fit into that damned perfect circular hole. As you try different angles, parts of the square, but never the whole, poke through to the other side. When it does, you can hear sighs of relief coming from the other side of the wall. All whatever is on that other side wants is this warmth, this glow, this... square. This response pushes you further. You realize that with this angle you can get 30% of the square into the whole, and while you somehow *know* deep inside that the square will never fit... the appreciation, either for you trying or for you getting part of the square in... makes you want to just try harder. For when you do get the largest possible part through the hole enough... it lights the other side and provides it the warmth it seems to have lacked.

Your tries become more persistent. Eventually, that which is on the other side begins to beckon... but you begin to realize that your square, while warm and bright... it will never fit. You withdraw. You think of other ways. Perhaps if you were to alter the square... change it somehow. You attempt... and fail.

Over time, you realize that the square is indestructible. It is what it is: a square that will never fit in that circular hole. As you you sit in front of that brick wall and gaze at the square, you ponder this situation, wondering why you had to have a square... why not a circle? Why can't I change the square?

You glance up at the circular hole, which you haven't looked at in sometime and you realize that it seems smaller. You stand and examine, and realize that, actually... it's the same size it's always been. The square never would have fit. No matter how you have tried, geometry and physics and the basic law of things have dictated that your square would have *never* fit in that circular hole. You realize that because the square seemed to glow more brightly, and seemed to feel warmer when you tried that you overlooked the fact that it would never have worked. You begin to feel silly that you thought that would happen at all. Your new perspective, while hasn't changed physically, it mentally has provided you an entirely new point of view.

And now you can continue on and find the brick wall, that has the square hole that will fit your perfect square.




Moral of the story:
1. I love analogies.
2. The square is your love, and the brick wall represent someone you might try to love.
3. The circular hole represents someone who would love you if they could, but the hole in the brick wall of their heart... just isn't shaped the way your love/square is.
4. That's okay.

Poem

Current mood: sad

sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words can break my heart
the saving grace to save some face
is taking breath before you start

those things you say with such force
with malice, with such fire
though we both know, that as words go
most of it is said as a liar

words in front, anger behind
and emotion stuck betwixt
have left a friendship in the dust
and me here in its midst

with time... regret for the things we said
and some we left unspoken
as time goes by, you'll ponder why
and if it's permanently broken

--Thursday, September 19, 2007

Faggot

Current mood: reflective

Last Saturday, two of my roommates and I decided to go out and party with some friends. In the vein of having silly fun, I suggested we all wear shirts of the same color... Three Musketeers! So we all donned red tee shirts, however mine had writing on it while theirs were blank. Mine had a stylized image of Uncle Sam pointing, with the words 'I WANT YOU... TO BEND OVER'

Wearing our matching shirts, we headed out to meet friends. We were passing through a slightly unsavory neighborhood, but had to get gas; and I needed cigarettes. I hopped out of the car once we reached the gas station and went inside. I asked for my smokes, and handed the cashier my driver's license (Aside: The gas station attendant was in his late thirties, overweight, balding, missing 2 teeth at least, and had chewing tobacco in his mouth) and he checked the date and wished me a happy early birthday.

I thanked him, a bit surprised, and told him his was my first official birthday wish. We made eye contact and he said "Well, when I check IDs I always try to see the birthday and wish them a happy..." and as he nearly finished that sentence, his eyes drifted down to the words on my shirt. He interrupted himself and said "You should really change yer shirt. People are gonna think yer a faggot."

I'm going to stop the story right there and give a little background. I was physically gay-bashed in April of 2004 in Louisville, Kentucky. While walking between two gay bars, I was attacked by three men who rather mercilessly beat the shit out me for no apparent reason. (See the intensity of the beating here: http://www.virgored.com/bash-photos.htm
I thought that after nearly 3 and a half years, that I would be past this incident a little more. I would love to say that to the redneck cashier, I replied, "We wouldn't want that now would we? Toodles!" and float off in a cloud of pink glitter and smoke. Instead...

I looked him in the eye and told him that I hadn't read the shirt, that we were going to a red t-shirt party and I was going to turn it inside out when we got there. Then I grabbed my smokes and headed out the door as quickly as possible, as I felt my muscles tense and my blood roaring past my ears. I can honestly say that I don't feel prejudiced but the black man pumping gas suddenly became the face of my attackers in Louisville and I freaked out.

This whole situation led to a lot of introspection, both conscious and subconscious. I realized that I'm pretty damn gay. I also realized, through some self-examination, that I don't really think that's how I truly am as a person. Rather than it be who I am, I think I developed that persona some time in my late teens, as both a way for people to like the funny-gay-silly me rather than my true self. Most of my good friends know that I usually only act like that when drinking or around people I don't know (both times where I could be very vulnerable... Shields up!) I also realized I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm old enough now that I should be making the exits off the highway of my youth and taking the state roads that will lead me into adulthood. I should be introspecting and finding out what I don't like about myself and changing it, for fuck's sake. So I started making mental lists about what I don't like. To make them a little more concrete, I'm going to share them here, in hopes that by releasing their existence into the interweb and universe, I will have more power over erasing them

1. Holding myself so fluidly. There's no strength or self-confidence exuded by someone who slouches or doesn't walk solidly. By making that small change, it has led to several other changes.

2. Being so needy, both in friendships and love.

3. Conceding so quickly at times.

4. Not expressing my emotions clearly and concisely.

5. Allowing myself to hurt emotionally.

6. Being afraid to believe myself worthy and asking for what I feel I deserve.

So I hope that through this unfortunate incident that I will find the lesson within it, and try to continue to learn from it, which truly can be the most difficult to do.

Currently listening :
Pieces of You
By Jewel
Release date: 28 February, 1995

Quarter-Life Crisis part 2

Current mood: reflective

Thinking about this Quarter-Life Crisis situation made me think of the perfect song to illustrate this:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this... tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few who should hold on: work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

Currently listening :
Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen
By Baz Luhrmann
Release date: 20 August, 2002

All About the Quarter Life Crisis

Current mood: indescribable

Although this is making the email rounds, I think it's a great expression of what so many of us are going through... and some who haven't made it through yet.

BEING TWENTY - THIRTY SOMETHING

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger.

You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Only me.

Current mood: sleepy
Category: hungover Life

File under: This Could Only Happen to Me

At bar, meet nice boy sitting at table next to me.
Chit chat.
Nice boy asks if I'd like to accompany him to next bar.
I agree.
Get up and I kick the table standing up, but think that I've kicked him.

Me: "I'm sorry, did I kick you? You appear to be limping."
Him: "No, and I have cerebral palsy."

Me: *uncomfortable cough* to bartender "Can I have another Red Bull and Vodka, please?"

Currently listening :
Brak Presents The Brak Album Starring Brak
By Various Artists
Release date: 14 March, 2000

PostSecret

Current mood: okay

There is an amazing blog online where the creator asks people to absolve themselves of their secrets by creating a postcard with their secret on it and mail it to them. He posts these anonymous secrets online, and has been able to publish 3 (I think) books with these amazing stories all wrapped in a single postcard.

It's astounding to be able to read through them and see how many people are thinking similar thoughts. Whether they be silly, stinging or thought-provoking, it is an awe inspiring situation each week.

Check it out: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
Currently listening :
Something to Remember
By Madonna
Release date: 07 November, 1995

History of Chris, volume 1

Current mood: distressed

Tuesday, September 14, 1979
5:28am
Louisville, KY

Christopher Alan Stewart. Born to Linda & Alan Stewart. 5lbs 6oz.

One of my first memories is Florida. Just after I was born, we moved to St. Petersburg, Florida(1); and I remember the geckos. And sand. Not much else. We moved back to Louisville, KY(2) shortly after and I began school.

In my kindergarten year, we moved to rural, central Kentucky(3). We were miles from any grocery store and over a mile from our nearest neighbors. We raised chickens, rabbits, and vegetables. We were in a 'holler', for those of you with the Southern vernacular down (a small valley for the rest of you); and shared that space with a huge strawberry farm and numerous livestock. I 'grew up' playing in fields and streams, with animals and mostly... myself. As an only child, it was up to me to entertain myself. I have a half-sister, eleven years older than I, who moved out just before this move to rural Kentucky.

My family was middle-class, father owning and working a restaurant hood and vent cleaning business; so he was gone nights. My mom worked as a cafeteria lady at my school, until I entered fifth grade. We weren't poor but certainly were on the bottom of the scale... not going without, or that I noticed. Looking back, I remember things that might have hinted as such, but didn't have the ability to recognize them then.

This brings us to age 9 or so. We moved to Holy Cross, KY (4), into a dilapidated farmhouse that had a trailer attached to the back (the redneck version of an add-on). This is where I made one of my first friends (naturally a girl). It wasn't long after meeting her did I know I was different.

[..to be continued..]

Currently listening :
The Dutchess
By Fergie
Release date: 19 September, 2006

Reflection

Current mood: contemplative

Things I have learned in the last few months:

1. People can make a difference in that you won't know until they aren't around anymore.
2. Having no self-imposed restrictions is an amazingly liberating feeling.
3. Starting over with a new person is hard.
4. One of the most volatile combinations is fear and love.
5. Few things hurt worse than someone saying 'no', but you both know they mean 'yes, but I'm too scared to try'
6. Drinking is but a temporary fix to any problem.
7. Being comfortable makes the lines between right and wrong blur.
8. Never underestimate the power of alcohol to both make conversations amazing, and strip you of the ability to remember them.
9. Sleeping next to someone you really enjoy is one of the best feelings in the world.
10. Forcing yourself to have patience can be one of the worst.

Currently listening :
Like Blood Like Honey
By Holly Brook
Release date: 06 June, 2006

Half of... what?

Here's my philosophy. There are people who are natural magnets, those who attract their polar opposites, and eventually, in that sea of magnets, find the one that naturally are drawn to them. There are those who seem to be electro-magnets, whose alternating and varying currents draw a variety of people to them romantically throughout their lives. And there are those people (not unlike myself) who are like a magnet broken in half. They will draw many kinds of other magnets, but only one will fit perfectly and spend the entirety of their magnet lives trying to find the other half.

I've always thought it to be bullshit when people label themselves as half of one whole, those who require another to make them whole or complete. "You complete me" Jerry Maguire? Bullshit. Or so I thought. Being the ultra-sensitive person that my friends and exes can attest met to be, I'm not so sure anymore. While I, like everyone else, have spent my time alone, I find myself to be so much more when with someone, even when being 'with' someone is a facade created within my mind. Whether this is a fault or a factor default, or perhaps a programmed response, it seems to be who I am.

Finding myself in a situation where someone might want to be with me but can't, and another where he could be with me but isn't, just really makes one take stock of the entire relationship situation and attempt to say, "Hey, being in a relationship is bullshit... but I can't help but yearn for it"

Point being, swimming through vodka to find it, is that relationships of any caliber are hard. And breaking off those that are no longer beneficial, except through your own devices, are the most difficult.

If you find yourself in the same situation, as I expect we all do... I wish you luck. And offer you the ear and shoulder of someone whose been through the same time and time again.

Currently listening :
Back to Black
By Amy Winehouse
Release date: 13 March, 2007

The Rain Cleanseth

Tonight I had a life-altering experience.

After a day of stress, heart troubles, anger, wraught and more, I decided that, although I was out of cigarettes, I needed more. I began to walk to the corner convenience store... however, their ATM was out of order and I would have to walk another 5 blocks to the next. With the temperature a beautiful 75 degrees and gorgeous, with lightning painting pieces of the sky a beautiful lavender that could rival any flower, and thunder tickling the lower ranges of the ear's spectrum, I thought... what the hell. I began to walk and as I walked I thought of the day's troubles and strife and began to build up steam, both in speed and temper.

I reached the next convenience store, made my purchase and walked outside to light a cigarette. No sooner had I finished when the tiniest drops of rain began, like condensation on a glass from a summer's day. I praised the rain, I welcomed it. And as I walked I took my shirt off, now clad only in shorts and sneakers. The rain came and when it seemed to hide as I passed under trees, I walked into the street and beckoned it.

It seemed as each drop hit my skin, my worries, my cares, my ill-gotten concerns and my unnecessary troubles melted. It was a physical feeling more than an emotional one. And as I walked, I picked up stride. There was a spring in my step. The rain began to soften, and I asked it to come again, and it did. Then it fell harder, as if testing my resolve. I passed my street and the next. And the next.

I wound up walking over a mile in the rain, both pouring and sprinking. And as it fell, I sang. Songs of rain, songs of love, songs of heartache and songs of life. And it was amazing.

And as I finished the last few steps before my front gate, it petered out to nearly nothing. I took my shoes and socks off and got a glass of water (irony, I realize) and sat outside to have one more smoke, and rather than heavy rain, the thunder sang out to me as if to say, this was for you... realize it and enjoy it.

And I did.

Remember?

Current mood: enthralled

Guess who's going to be a Fairly Oddparent?!? ME!!! One of my best friends from Kentucky is having a baby girl in November and I've been asked to be her godfather.

It's very perspective changing to have a close friend having a child. While he is a few years older than I am, it's very disconcerting to have someone in my circle procreating. We are all still kids dammit! And yet, in my vast circle of friends and acquaintances around my age, I have marriages, divorces, kids, deaths, self-employees, business owners... it's amazing to sit back and watch the world around you change, and while it doesn't seem as though, you change with it and in response to it.

Finding myself 2300 miles from "home" and nearly a thousand miles from my surrogate home, self-employed and independent; it's enough to catch me off-guard occasionally.

I remember the days of...
...stay up all night and go to work on 2 hours or less of sleep.
...doesn't matter what you drink, have a great time!
...so what if you haven't eaten, just have a drink!
...Bills? Let's party!
...grownups just don't understand
...getting carded for cigarettes
...getting carded for the bar
...being the youngest in the bar

Now it's...
...gotta be in bed by 11 to be useful the next day
...only one kind of alcohol and plenty of ibuprofen
...I have to eat before, during or after drinking
...can't drink, have to pay bills!
...only if the cashier is a teenager
...I still get carded at bars :)
...Sometimes one of the youngest, but feel like the oldest

Yes, now I find myself saying those age defining statements like:
...Kids today are terrible!
...If that was my child...
...Today's music is awful!
...Remember when gas was under a dollar?
...What's the world coming to?
...I said I'd quit smoking when they got to $2 a pack
...Whatever happened to...
and the clincher
...That's a nice looking Buick!

Lyrics in my head

Current mood: drunk

I have climbed the highest mountain
I have sailed across the sea
I have wrestled with my demons
And woke up with only me
I have been around the block
Three times maybe four
And I think I deserve just a little more

In front of total strangers wont you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again
Oh I want to be in love

I have made some big mistakes
And Ive paid a heavy price
I found a little peace between will and sacrifice
I have watched as all my dreams
Went walking out the door
And I think I deserve just a little more

I'm looking for a heart of gold
I'm looking for a hand to hold
A happy end
Strong and kind
Somewhere to rest my troubled mind

In front of total strangers wont you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
On Tuesday light the candles bring me wine
Wednesday morning I wont get to work on time
Oh I want to be in love
Surprise me as I'm stepping off the plane
Take my hand as they play our song again
Oh I want to be in love

Currently listening :
Skin
By Melissa Etheridge
Release date: 10 July, 2001