Faggot

Current mood: reflective

Last Saturday, two of my roommates and I decided to go out and party with some friends. In the vein of having silly fun, I suggested we all wear shirts of the same color... Three Musketeers! So we all donned red tee shirts, however mine had writing on it while theirs were blank. Mine had a stylized image of Uncle Sam pointing, with the words 'I WANT YOU... TO BEND OVER'

Wearing our matching shirts, we headed out to meet friends. We were passing through a slightly unsavory neighborhood, but had to get gas; and I needed cigarettes. I hopped out of the car once we reached the gas station and went inside. I asked for my smokes, and handed the cashier my driver's license (Aside: The gas station attendant was in his late thirties, overweight, balding, missing 2 teeth at least, and had chewing tobacco in his mouth) and he checked the date and wished me a happy early birthday.

I thanked him, a bit surprised, and told him his was my first official birthday wish. We made eye contact and he said "Well, when I check IDs I always try to see the birthday and wish them a happy..." and as he nearly finished that sentence, his eyes drifted down to the words on my shirt. He interrupted himself and said "You should really change yer shirt. People are gonna think yer a faggot."

I'm going to stop the story right there and give a little background. I was physically gay-bashed in April of 2004 in Louisville, Kentucky. While walking between two gay bars, I was attacked by three men who rather mercilessly beat the shit out me for no apparent reason. (See the intensity of the beating here: http://www.virgored.com/bash-photos.htm
I thought that after nearly 3 and a half years, that I would be past this incident a little more. I would love to say that to the redneck cashier, I replied, "We wouldn't want that now would we? Toodles!" and float off in a cloud of pink glitter and smoke. Instead...

I looked him in the eye and told him that I hadn't read the shirt, that we were going to a red t-shirt party and I was going to turn it inside out when we got there. Then I grabbed my smokes and headed out the door as quickly as possible, as I felt my muscles tense and my blood roaring past my ears. I can honestly say that I don't feel prejudiced but the black man pumping gas suddenly became the face of my attackers in Louisville and I freaked out.

This whole situation led to a lot of introspection, both conscious and subconscious. I realized that I'm pretty damn gay. I also realized, through some self-examination, that I don't really think that's how I truly am as a person. Rather than it be who I am, I think I developed that persona some time in my late teens, as both a way for people to like the funny-gay-silly me rather than my true self. Most of my good friends know that I usually only act like that when drinking or around people I don't know (both times where I could be very vulnerable... Shields up!) I also realized I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm old enough now that I should be making the exits off the highway of my youth and taking the state roads that will lead me into adulthood. I should be introspecting and finding out what I don't like about myself and changing it, for fuck's sake. So I started making mental lists about what I don't like. To make them a little more concrete, I'm going to share them here, in hopes that by releasing their existence into the interweb and universe, I will have more power over erasing them

1. Holding myself so fluidly. There's no strength or self-confidence exuded by someone who slouches or doesn't walk solidly. By making that small change, it has led to several other changes.

2. Being so needy, both in friendships and love.

3. Conceding so quickly at times.

4. Not expressing my emotions clearly and concisely.

5. Allowing myself to hurt emotionally.

6. Being afraid to believe myself worthy and asking for what I feel I deserve.

So I hope that through this unfortunate incident that I will find the lesson within it, and try to continue to learn from it, which truly can be the most difficult to do.

Currently listening :
Pieces of You
By Jewel
Release date: 28 February, 1995