Current mood: contemplative
Things I have learned in the last few months:
1. People can make a difference in that you won't know until they aren't around anymore.
2. Having no self-imposed restrictions is an amazingly liberating feeling.
3. Starting over with a new person is hard.
4. One of the most volatile combinations is fear and love.
5. Few things hurt worse than someone saying 'no', but you both know they mean 'yes, but I'm too scared to try'
6. Drinking is but a temporary fix to any problem.
7. Being comfortable makes the lines between right and wrong blur.
8. Never underestimate the power of alcohol to both make conversations amazing, and strip you of the ability to remember them.
9. Sleeping next to someone you really enjoy is one of the best feelings in the world.
10. Forcing yourself to have patience can be one of the worst.
Currently listening :
Like Blood Like Honey
By Holly Brook
Release date: 06 June, 2006
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Thanksgiving Wishes
Every Thanksgiving (or nearly every Thanksgiving) for more than 5 years rather than being generic, I sit down and write a poem of sorts, a stream-of-consciousness writing that expresses all the things for which I am thankful. Some serious, some light-hearted... all true. Some of you know it's been a tough year, but I'm thankful to be here alive (mostly), healthy (partly), and happy (generally).
Here it goes for 2007...
Thankful am I for friends helping me through the holidays,
and I am thankful for sweet tea and chips made by Lays.
For discovering the strength of Leggs pantyhose,
for finding out how distance affect friendships with those you know.
For relationships, while no longer rooted in love;
still strong enough to conquer distance and things that are tough.
For finding the strength to step out on my own,
for not being foolish enough to think I wouldn't feel alone.
For one-dollar Lipton pasta sides,
for tuna fish salad, and antioxides,
for rum and vodka, but not mixed together
For jersey shirts and pillows with goose feathers.
For friendships whose intent varies often,
for learning that caring for one, their blows do not soften.
For old dogs and kittens, for squirrels and the wind,
For being too sensitive, it's a curse and a gift.
For finding I can budget, if only for a few weeks,
To finding that it's okay if my heart has a few leaks.
To missing old friends, and yet somehow making some new,
And wishing goodbye to a few old ones, too.
For dumb movies and small larceny and dancing and games,
for karaoke and pizza and bad horror flicks that are lame,
for being pretty and singing, for laughing and smiling
for tears and happiness, and sometimes a little crying.
For family that cares, both biological and chosen,
I'm thankful that into my life all of you were woven.
Happiest Thanksgiving Wishes 2007
Here it goes for 2007...
Thankful am I for friends helping me through the holidays,
and I am thankful for sweet tea and chips made by Lays.
For discovering the strength of Leggs pantyhose,
for finding out how distance affect friendships with those you know.
For relationships, while no longer rooted in love;
still strong enough to conquer distance and things that are tough.
For finding the strength to step out on my own,
for not being foolish enough to think I wouldn't feel alone.
For one-dollar Lipton pasta sides,
for tuna fish salad, and antioxides,
for rum and vodka, but not mixed together
For jersey shirts and pillows with goose feathers.
For friendships whose intent varies often,
for learning that caring for one, their blows do not soften.
For old dogs and kittens, for squirrels and the wind,
For being too sensitive, it's a curse and a gift.
For finding I can budget, if only for a few weeks,
To finding that it's okay if my heart has a few leaks.
To missing old friends, and yet somehow making some new,
And wishing goodbye to a few old ones, too.
For dumb movies and small larceny and dancing and games,
for karaoke and pizza and bad horror flicks that are lame,
for being pretty and singing, for laughing and smiling
for tears and happiness, and sometimes a little crying.
For family that cares, both biological and chosen,
I'm thankful that into my life all of you were woven.
Happiest Thanksgiving Wishes 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
My secret.
Current mood: contemplative
I left everything behind. Job, friends, my husband, life and career. And I feel amazingly free. And hopelessly scared.
Currently listening :
Something to Be
By Rob Thomas
Release date: 19 April, 2005
I left everything behind. Job, friends, my husband, life and career. And I feel amazingly free. And hopelessly scared.
Currently listening :
Something to Be
By Rob Thomas
Release date: 19 April, 2005
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Faggot
Current mood: reflective
Last Saturday, two of my roommates and I decided to go out and party with some friends. In the vein of having silly fun, I suggested we all wear shirts of the same color... Three Musketeers! So we all donned red tee shirts, however mine had writing on it while theirs were blank. Mine had a stylized image of Uncle Sam pointing, with the words 'I WANT YOU... TO BEND OVER'
Wearing our matching shirts, we headed out to meet friends. We were passing through a slightly unsavory neighborhood, but had to get gas; and I needed cigarettes. I hopped out of the car once we reached the gas station and went inside. I asked for my smokes, and handed the cashier my driver's license (Aside: The gas station attendant was in his late thirties, overweight, balding, missing 2 teeth at least, and had chewing tobacco in his mouth) and he checked the date and wished me a happy early birthday.
I thanked him, a bit surprised, and told him his was my first official birthday wish. We made eye contact and he said "Well, when I check IDs I always try to see the birthday and wish them a happy..." and as he nearly finished that sentence, his eyes drifted down to the words on my shirt. He interrupted himself and said "You should really change yer shirt. People are gonna think yer a faggot."
I'm going to stop the story right there and give a little background. I was physically gay-bashed in April of 2004 in Louisville, Kentucky. While walking between two gay bars, I was attacked by three men who rather mercilessly beat the shit out me for no apparent reason. (See the intensity of the beating here: http://www.virgored.com/bash-photos.htm
I thought that after nearly 3 and a half years, that I would be past this incident a little more. I would love to say that to the redneck cashier, I replied, "We wouldn't want that now would we? Toodles!" and float off in a cloud of pink glitter and smoke. Instead...
I looked him in the eye and told him that I hadn't read the shirt, that we were going to a red t-shirt party and I was going to turn it inside out when we got there. Then I grabbed my smokes and headed out the door as quickly as possible, as I felt my muscles tense and my blood roaring past my ears. I can honestly say that I don't feel prejudiced but the black man pumping gas suddenly became the face of my attackers in Louisville and I freaked out.
This whole situation led to a lot of introspection, both conscious and subconscious. I realized that I'm pretty damn gay. I also realized, through some self-examination, that I don't really think that's how I truly am as a person. Rather than it be who I am, I think I developed that persona some time in my late teens, as both a way for people to like the funny-gay-silly me rather than my true self. Most of my good friends know that I usually only act like that when drinking or around people I don't know (both times where I could be very vulnerable... Shields up!) I also realized I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm old enough now that I should be making the exits off the highway of my youth and taking the state roads that will lead me into adulthood. I should be introspecting and finding out what I don't like about myself and changing it, for fuck's sake. So I started making mental lists about what I don't like. To make them a little more concrete, I'm going to share them here, in hopes that by releasing their existence into the interweb and universe, I will have more power over erasing them
1. Holding myself so fluidly. There's no strength or self-confidence exuded by someone who slouches or doesn't walk solidly. By making that small change, it has led to several other changes.
2. Being so needy, both in friendships and love.
3. Conceding so quickly at times.
4. Not expressing my emotions clearly and concisely.
5. Allowing myself to hurt emotionally.
6. Being afraid to believe myself worthy and asking for what I feel I deserve.
So I hope that through this unfortunate incident that I will find the lesson within it, and try to continue to learn from it, which truly can be the most difficult to do.
Currently listening :
Pieces of You
By Jewel
Release date: 28 February, 1995
Last Saturday, two of my roommates and I decided to go out and party with some friends. In the vein of having silly fun, I suggested we all wear shirts of the same color... Three Musketeers! So we all donned red tee shirts, however mine had writing on it while theirs were blank. Mine had a stylized image of Uncle Sam pointing, with the words 'I WANT YOU... TO BEND OVER'
Wearing our matching shirts, we headed out to meet friends. We were passing through a slightly unsavory neighborhood, but had to get gas; and I needed cigarettes. I hopped out of the car once we reached the gas station and went inside. I asked for my smokes, and handed the cashier my driver's license (Aside: The gas station attendant was in his late thirties, overweight, balding, missing 2 teeth at least, and had chewing tobacco in his mouth) and he checked the date and wished me a happy early birthday.
I thanked him, a bit surprised, and told him his was my first official birthday wish. We made eye contact and he said "Well, when I check IDs I always try to see the birthday and wish them a happy..." and as he nearly finished that sentence, his eyes drifted down to the words on my shirt. He interrupted himself and said "You should really change yer shirt. People are gonna think yer a faggot."
I'm going to stop the story right there and give a little background. I was physically gay-bashed in April of 2004 in Louisville, Kentucky. While walking between two gay bars, I was attacked by three men who rather mercilessly beat the shit out me for no apparent reason. (See the intensity of the beating here: http://www.virgored.com/bash-photos.htm
I thought that after nearly 3 and a half years, that I would be past this incident a little more. I would love to say that to the redneck cashier, I replied, "We wouldn't want that now would we? Toodles!" and float off in a cloud of pink glitter and smoke. Instead...
I looked him in the eye and told him that I hadn't read the shirt, that we were going to a red t-shirt party and I was going to turn it inside out when we got there. Then I grabbed my smokes and headed out the door as quickly as possible, as I felt my muscles tense and my blood roaring past my ears. I can honestly say that I don't feel prejudiced but the black man pumping gas suddenly became the face of my attackers in Louisville and I freaked out.
This whole situation led to a lot of introspection, both conscious and subconscious. I realized that I'm pretty damn gay. I also realized, through some self-examination, that I don't really think that's how I truly am as a person. Rather than it be who I am, I think I developed that persona some time in my late teens, as both a way for people to like the funny-gay-silly me rather than my true self. Most of my good friends know that I usually only act like that when drinking or around people I don't know (both times where I could be very vulnerable... Shields up!) I also realized I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm old enough now that I should be making the exits off the highway of my youth and taking the state roads that will lead me into adulthood. I should be introspecting and finding out what I don't like about myself and changing it, for fuck's sake. So I started making mental lists about what I don't like. To make them a little more concrete, I'm going to share them here, in hopes that by releasing their existence into the interweb and universe, I will have more power over erasing them
1. Holding myself so fluidly. There's no strength or self-confidence exuded by someone who slouches or doesn't walk solidly. By making that small change, it has led to several other changes.
2. Being so needy, both in friendships and love.
3. Conceding so quickly at times.
4. Not expressing my emotions clearly and concisely.
5. Allowing myself to hurt emotionally.
6. Being afraid to believe myself worthy and asking for what I feel I deserve.
So I hope that through this unfortunate incident that I will find the lesson within it, and try to continue to learn from it, which truly can be the most difficult to do.
Currently listening :
Pieces of You
By Jewel
Release date: 28 February, 1995
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Quarter-Life Crisis part 2
Current mood: reflective
Thinking about this Quarter-Life Crisis situation made me think of the perfect song to illustrate this:
Currently listening :
Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen
By Baz Luhrmann
Release date: 20 August, 2002
Thinking about this Quarter-Life Crisis situation made me think of the perfect song to illustrate this:
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this... tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few who should hold on: work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this... tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few who should hold on: work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)
Currently listening :
Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen
By Baz Luhrmann
Release date: 20 August, 2002
Friday, August 17, 2007
All About the Quarter Life Crisis
Current mood: indescribable
Although this is making the email rounds, I think it's a great expression of what so many of us are going through... and some who haven't made it through yet.
BEING TWENTY - THIRTY SOMETHING
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger.
You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.
Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Although this is making the email rounds, I think it's a great expression of what so many of us are going through... and some who haven't made it through yet.
BEING TWENTY - THIRTY SOMETHING
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger.
You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.
Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Only me.
Current mood: sleepy
Category: hungover Life
File under: This Could Only Happen to Me
At bar, meet nice boy sitting at table next to me.
Chit chat.
Nice boy asks if I'd like to accompany him to next bar.
I agree.
Get up and I kick the table standing up, but think that I've kicked him.
Me: "I'm sorry, did I kick you? You appear to be limping."
Him: "No, and I have cerebral palsy."
Me: *uncomfortable cough* to bartender "Can I have another Red Bull and Vodka, please?"
Currently listening :
Brak Presents The Brak Album Starring Brak
By Various Artists
Release date: 14 March, 2000
Category: hungover Life
File under: This Could Only Happen to Me
At bar, meet nice boy sitting at table next to me.
Chit chat.
Nice boy asks if I'd like to accompany him to next bar.
I agree.
Get up and I kick the table standing up, but think that I've kicked him.
Me: "I'm sorry, did I kick you? You appear to be limping."
Him: "No, and I have cerebral palsy."
Me: *uncomfortable cough* to bartender "Can I have another Red Bull and Vodka, please?"
Currently listening :
Brak Presents The Brak Album Starring Brak
By Various Artists
Release date: 14 March, 2000
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
History of Chris, volume 1
Current mood: distressed
Tuesday, September 14, 1979
5:28am
Louisville, KY
Christopher Alan Stewart. Born to Linda & Alan Stewart. 5lbs 6oz.
One of my first memories is Florida. Just after I was born, we moved to St. Petersburg, Florida(1); and I remember the geckos. And sand. Not much else. We moved back to Louisville, KY(2) shortly after and I began school.
In my kindergarten year, we moved to rural, central Kentucky(3). We were miles from any grocery store and over a mile from our nearest neighbors. We raised chickens, rabbits, and vegetables. We were in a 'holler', for those of you with the Southern vernacular down (a small valley for the rest of you); and shared that space with a huge strawberry farm and numerous livestock. I 'grew up' playing in fields and streams, with animals and mostly... myself. As an only child, it was up to me to entertain myself. I have a half-sister, eleven years older than I, who moved out just before this move to rural Kentucky.
My family was middle-class, father owning and working a restaurant hood and vent cleaning business; so he was gone nights. My mom worked as a cafeteria lady at my school, until I entered fifth grade. We weren't poor but certainly were on the bottom of the scale... not going without, or that I noticed. Looking back, I remember things that might have hinted as such, but didn't have the ability to recognize them then.
This brings us to age 9 or so. We moved to Holy Cross, KY (4), into a dilapidated farmhouse that had a trailer attached to the back (the redneck version of an add-on). This is where I made one of my first friends (naturally a girl). It wasn't long after meeting her did I know I was different.
[..to be continued..]
Currently listening :
The Dutchess
By Fergie
Release date: 19 September, 2006
Tuesday, September 14, 1979
5:28am
Louisville, KY
Christopher Alan Stewart. Born to Linda & Alan Stewart. 5lbs 6oz.
One of my first memories is Florida. Just after I was born, we moved to St. Petersburg, Florida(1); and I remember the geckos. And sand. Not much else. We moved back to Louisville, KY(2) shortly after and I began school.
In my kindergarten year, we moved to rural, central Kentucky(3). We were miles from any grocery store and over a mile from our nearest neighbors. We raised chickens, rabbits, and vegetables. We were in a 'holler', for those of you with the Southern vernacular down (a small valley for the rest of you); and shared that space with a huge strawberry farm and numerous livestock. I 'grew up' playing in fields and streams, with animals and mostly... myself. As an only child, it was up to me to entertain myself. I have a half-sister, eleven years older than I, who moved out just before this move to rural Kentucky.
My family was middle-class, father owning and working a restaurant hood and vent cleaning business; so he was gone nights. My mom worked as a cafeteria lady at my school, until I entered fifth grade. We weren't poor but certainly were on the bottom of the scale... not going without, or that I noticed. Looking back, I remember things that might have hinted as such, but didn't have the ability to recognize them then.
This brings us to age 9 or so. We moved to Holy Cross, KY (4), into a dilapidated farmhouse that had a trailer attached to the back (the redneck version of an add-on). This is where I made one of my first friends (naturally a girl). It wasn't long after meeting her did I know I was different.
[..to be continued..]
Currently listening :
The Dutchess
By Fergie
Release date: 19 September, 2006
Reflection
Current mood: contemplative
Things I have learned in the last few months:
1. People can make a difference in that you won't know until they aren't around anymore.
2. Having no self-imposed restrictions is an amazingly liberating feeling.
3. Starting over with a new person is hard.
4. One of the most volatile combinations is fear and love.
5. Few things hurt worse than someone saying 'no', but you both know they mean 'yes, but I'm too scared to try'
6. Drinking is but a temporary fix to any problem.
7. Being comfortable makes the lines between right and wrong blur.
8. Never underestimate the power of alcohol to both make conversations amazing, and strip you of the ability to remember them.
9. Sleeping next to someone you really enjoy is one of the best feelings in the world.
10. Forcing yourself to have patience can be one of the worst.
Currently listening :
Like Blood Like Honey
By Holly Brook
Release date: 06 June, 2006
Things I have learned in the last few months:
1. People can make a difference in that you won't know until they aren't around anymore.
2. Having no self-imposed restrictions is an amazingly liberating feeling.
3. Starting over with a new person is hard.
4. One of the most volatile combinations is fear and love.
5. Few things hurt worse than someone saying 'no', but you both know they mean 'yes, but I'm too scared to try'
6. Drinking is but a temporary fix to any problem.
7. Being comfortable makes the lines between right and wrong blur.
8. Never underestimate the power of alcohol to both make conversations amazing, and strip you of the ability to remember them.
9. Sleeping next to someone you really enjoy is one of the best feelings in the world.
10. Forcing yourself to have patience can be one of the worst.
Currently listening :
Like Blood Like Honey
By Holly Brook
Release date: 06 June, 2006
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Half of... what?
Here's my philosophy. There are people who are natural magnets, those who attract their polar opposites, and eventually, in that sea of magnets, find the one that naturally are drawn to them. There are those who seem to be electro-magnets, whose alternating and varying currents draw a variety of people to them romantically throughout their lives. And there are those people (not unlike myself) who are like a magnet broken in half. They will draw many kinds of other magnets, but only one will fit perfectly and spend the entirety of their magnet lives trying to find the other half.
I've always thought it to be bullshit when people label themselves as half of one whole, those who require another to make them whole or complete. "You complete me" Jerry Maguire? Bullshit. Or so I thought. Being the ultra-sensitive person that my friends and exes can attest met to be, I'm not so sure anymore. While I, like everyone else, have spent my time alone, I find myself to be so much more when with someone, even when being 'with' someone is a facade created within my mind. Whether this is a fault or a factor default, or perhaps a programmed response, it seems to be who I am.
Finding myself in a situation where someone might want to be with me but can't, and another where he could be with me but isn't, just really makes one take stock of the entire relationship situation and attempt to say, "Hey, being in a relationship is bullshit... but I can't help but yearn for it"
Point being, swimming through vodka to find it, is that relationships of any caliber are hard. And breaking off those that are no longer beneficial, except through your own devices, are the most difficult.
If you find yourself in the same situation, as I expect we all do... I wish you luck. And offer you the ear and shoulder of someone whose been through the same time and time again.
Currently listening :
Back to Black
By Amy Winehouse
Release date: 13 March, 2007
I've always thought it to be bullshit when people label themselves as half of one whole, those who require another to make them whole or complete. "You complete me" Jerry Maguire? Bullshit. Or so I thought. Being the ultra-sensitive person that my friends and exes can attest met to be, I'm not so sure anymore. While I, like everyone else, have spent my time alone, I find myself to be so much more when with someone, even when being 'with' someone is a facade created within my mind. Whether this is a fault or a factor default, or perhaps a programmed response, it seems to be who I am.
Finding myself in a situation where someone might want to be with me but can't, and another where he could be with me but isn't, just really makes one take stock of the entire relationship situation and attempt to say, "Hey, being in a relationship is bullshit... but I can't help but yearn for it"
Point being, swimming through vodka to find it, is that relationships of any caliber are hard. And breaking off those that are no longer beneficial, except through your own devices, are the most difficult.
If you find yourself in the same situation, as I expect we all do... I wish you luck. And offer you the ear and shoulder of someone whose been through the same time and time again.
Currently listening :
Back to Black
By Amy Winehouse
Release date: 13 March, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The Rain Cleanseth
Tonight I had a life-altering experience.
After a day of stress, heart troubles, anger, wraught and more, I decided that, although I was out of cigarettes, I needed more. I began to walk to the corner convenience store... however, their ATM was out of order and I would have to walk another 5 blocks to the next. With the temperature a beautiful 75 degrees and gorgeous, with lightning painting pieces of the sky a beautiful lavender that could rival any flower, and thunder tickling the lower ranges of the ear's spectrum, I thought... what the hell. I began to walk and as I walked I thought of the day's troubles and strife and began to build up steam, both in speed and temper.
I reached the next convenience store, made my purchase and walked outside to light a cigarette. No sooner had I finished when the tiniest drops of rain began, like condensation on a glass from a summer's day. I praised the rain, I welcomed it. And as I walked I took my shirt off, now clad only in shorts and sneakers. The rain came and when it seemed to hide as I passed under trees, I walked into the street and beckoned it.
It seemed as each drop hit my skin, my worries, my cares, my ill-gotten concerns and my unnecessary troubles melted. It was a physical feeling more than an emotional one. And as I walked, I picked up stride. There was a spring in my step. The rain began to soften, and I asked it to come again, and it did. Then it fell harder, as if testing my resolve. I passed my street and the next. And the next.
I wound up walking over a mile in the rain, both pouring and sprinking. And as it fell, I sang. Songs of rain, songs of love, songs of heartache and songs of life. And it was amazing.
And as I finished the last few steps before my front gate, it petered out to nearly nothing. I took my shoes and socks off and got a glass of water (irony, I realize) and sat outside to have one more smoke, and rather than heavy rain, the thunder sang out to me as if to say, this was for you... realize it and enjoy it.
And I did.
After a day of stress, heart troubles, anger, wraught and more, I decided that, although I was out of cigarettes, I needed more. I began to walk to the corner convenience store... however, their ATM was out of order and I would have to walk another 5 blocks to the next. With the temperature a beautiful 75 degrees and gorgeous, with lightning painting pieces of the sky a beautiful lavender that could rival any flower, and thunder tickling the lower ranges of the ear's spectrum, I thought... what the hell. I began to walk and as I walked I thought of the day's troubles and strife and began to build up steam, both in speed and temper.
I reached the next convenience store, made my purchase and walked outside to light a cigarette. No sooner had I finished when the tiniest drops of rain began, like condensation on a glass from a summer's day. I praised the rain, I welcomed it. And as I walked I took my shirt off, now clad only in shorts and sneakers. The rain came and when it seemed to hide as I passed under trees, I walked into the street and beckoned it.
It seemed as each drop hit my skin, my worries, my cares, my ill-gotten concerns and my unnecessary troubles melted. It was a physical feeling more than an emotional one. And as I walked, I picked up stride. There was a spring in my step. The rain began to soften, and I asked it to come again, and it did. Then it fell harder, as if testing my resolve. I passed my street and the next. And the next.
I wound up walking over a mile in the rain, both pouring and sprinking. And as it fell, I sang. Songs of rain, songs of love, songs of heartache and songs of life. And it was amazing.
And as I finished the last few steps before my front gate, it petered out to nearly nothing. I took my shoes and socks off and got a glass of water (irony, I realize) and sat outside to have one more smoke, and rather than heavy rain, the thunder sang out to me as if to say, this was for you... realize it and enjoy it.
And I did.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Lyrics in my head
Current mood: drunk
I have climbed the highest mountain
I have sailed across the sea
I have wrestled with my demons
And woke up with only me
I have been around the block
Three times maybe four
And I think I deserve just a little more
In front of total strangers wont you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again
Oh I want to be in love
I have made some big mistakes
And Ive paid a heavy price
I found a little peace between will and sacrifice
I have watched as all my dreams
Went walking out the door
And I think I deserve just a little more
I'm looking for a heart of gold
I'm looking for a hand to hold
A happy end
Strong and kind
Somewhere to rest my troubled mind
In front of total strangers wont you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
On Tuesday light the candles bring me wine
Wednesday morning I wont get to work on time
Oh I want to be in love
Surprise me as I'm stepping off the plane
Take my hand as they play our song again
Oh I want to be in love
Currently listening :
Skin
By Melissa Etheridge
Release date: 10 July, 2001
I have climbed the highest mountain
I have sailed across the sea
I have wrestled with my demons
And woke up with only me
I have been around the block
Three times maybe four
And I think I deserve just a little more
In front of total strangers wont you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again
Oh I want to be in love
I have made some big mistakes
And Ive paid a heavy price
I found a little peace between will and sacrifice
I have watched as all my dreams
Went walking out the door
And I think I deserve just a little more
I'm looking for a heart of gold
I'm looking for a hand to hold
A happy end
Strong and kind
Somewhere to rest my troubled mind
In front of total strangers wont you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
On Tuesday light the candles bring me wine
Wednesday morning I wont get to work on time
Oh I want to be in love
Surprise me as I'm stepping off the plane
Take my hand as they play our song again
Oh I want to be in love
Currently listening :
Skin
By Melissa Etheridge
Release date: 10 July, 2001
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