Angry

Today I'm angry.

 

I think to myself, "why is he texting me for two hours while sitting drunk in a bar in Wisconsin rather than this other man he's 'actively pursuing to date'?"  or why is he telling me he misses me.

 

I ponder my thoughts and wonder if it's better to be happy when alone or tortured most of the time left with my feelings but happy occasionally when I get to see him/talk to him, etc.

 

Today I want to let go.

Tumultuous

It's been a very difficult few months.  The ex and I have had our ups and downs and that in its own right is a novel.  So I'll pick up from today.  It has been 28 days, or 4 weeks, since my last cigarette.  I am no longer having physical reactions, but mentally and emotionally I am still having serious repercussions from the withdrawal of addiction.  I am so sad sometimes that it's hard to bear. 

 

In addition, the ex and I have no idea what it means to be friends or how to do it without destroying the care we have for one another and avoiding having to cut ties entirely to save our friendship and what's left of the love we have.  He has decided that he has someone he is "actively pursuing" to date, but it is going very slowly and he doesn't know if it will work out.  I, however, do not.  I am left alone with my feelings, my emotions and the uncertainty as to whether I can interact with my ex, who is really my best friend. 

 

I am trying to stay busy, stay distracted but in the classic style of depression, even the simple things have lost all their joy, it's difficult to stay focused and I am re-evaluating myself and my relationships with others.  I truly don't know if it's the experience of turning thirty, my Saturn return, quitting smoking or losing my relationship with what I feel has been my only true love... but gawd, it sucks.

 

I'm so lost.

 

I vacillate between three main stages about the ex:

1. Complete separation until I can think of him and not a) long to be with him, b) feel incredibly sad we aren't together or c) sick from the thought of him with someone else... and then try to be friends
2. Only interact via email and an occasional in-person meeting, with hopes my heart will heal (and his)
3. Try to be friends with him with rules and clear boundaries about how that occurs

He's been out of town for alomst a week and we didn't communicate at all for 3 days at all, which at first was pure torture, then gets easier.  I initiated communication and it led to the emotional floodgates breaking (on both sides) with a 4 hour online chat and a 3 hour phone conversation back to back (yes, 7 hours total). 

 

But still unsure where to be or go from here.